Time
This month, I am readjusting my relationship with time.
In Thailand, when I was on vacation, I never quite adjusted to the 12-hour time difference. I would wake up at 4 or 5am every morning. The immediate familiarity of my boyfriend, laying next to me, was deceiving because as soon as I climbed out of my sleep, and started to blink slowly awake, I would realize: I see the faint glow of neon signs outside. I’m in a country halfway around the world. I’m in a hotel room and right outside my window there is a beach, and palm trees.
When I got back to New York, I found myself waking, again, very early every morning and getting tired early each night. My boyfriend and I have long complained about how late we go to bed, and how sleepy we are in the mornings, so the jetlag has created an opportunity that we’ve both seized. Early to bed, early to rise. Well, early for us, anyway. Waking up at 7:30am feels like a luxury: no more rushing around, hurried, harried, stressed. Instead we wake up slowly, indulgently, and start our days off with a gradual, natural wakening. At night, the new ritual is that all electronic devices are ignored after 11pm and for an hour, a blessed hour, we spend time slowing our minds, releasing the stresses of the day. I used to stay awake in bed at night for hours some nights, just tossing and turning going through mental lists of things that needed to be done.
Within the more defined limits of my waking days, I’ve found the re-entry to my every-day life to be stressful. I’m not here to complain—but I have realized that it will be superhuman to continue to do everything that I was doing prior to grad school, now that I’m knee-deep in the program. I had sort of thought, in the back of my head, that maybe the hardest part of my masters would be getting IN—now I find that no, it’s very much a rigorous, challenging program. Which is great—I’m really pushing my limits and revving the old brain back up to do hardcore learning—but it’s an adjustment. I had put “school” into a box, and now I find it’s overflowing the box. So, I have to shrink some other time allocations in my life. I’ve had to juggle priorities.
Each day, you evaluate the rocks that need to fit into the jar first. And you fit the sand in around them. But on a given day, the sizes and shapes of those stones may change.
Today, I am making space for myself to dance. I realized when I looked at my calendar that I’ve had precious little DANCE the past month. If I’m being honest, I haven’t had any. For a few months. I had a conversation with a certain Marlo Fisken last night that reminded me that while there are “should”s and “need to”s that may pepper our lives and guide the way you spend your time, every once in a while you need to do what’s right for you.
For two hours, I will lose myself in movement and let myself gently put down the midterm paper that needs writing. The chapters on neuroscience that need reading. The emails to respond to. Everything that fills up the load that rides on my shoulders.
For two hours tonight, I will be weightless.
Monday’s post: Inside every pole dancer…
ohhhhh….. those 2 hours will make a world of difference!! ENJOY the selfishness!!
Thanks Bernee- I did! I posted a vid to my youtube of some of the results. Oh, it was a good night
Enjoy your two hours tonight! Your post today is so important for a great many of us out there trying to balance different parts of life. It strikes home with me because, as a mother of two, wife, and doctor, you can imagine how difficult it can be to integrate pole into my life. However, I find that if I take that time for myself (in a reasonable amount, of course), I am much better to focus and be present in the other areas of my life. I hope you find the same thing and that your neuroscience chapter is easier to focus on and your midterm paper will be easier to write not *in spite of* but *because* you took some time away.
Thank you for the kind thoughts Cara. Yes, easier to focus *because of* is an important distinction and I love that you put it into those words for me. I just finished my exams and papers for midterms yesterday, and what a relief (and hence the delay in responding). I completely agree about taking the time you need to be “selfish” so that you can be more present. I love that you have found a way to balance what sounds like a very full life.
*slow clap*
Another post, posted right when I needed to read it. My friend and I made an agreement to ‘dive by 11.’ We were going to bed way too late and decided the 11pm would be our cut off time. Once 11pm hits I dive into bed, put my phone away, and think happy thoughts until I fall asleep.
Sleep and time are two things I find myself constantly chasing, but I’m finally finding the balance. Part of the balance is learning that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. If I cannot do something, I will not do it. True friends will understand
NO is so hard for all of us to learn. I feel like women have a difficult time– we are providers, we are lovers, we are the emotional foundation for many of the people in our lives. We give all the time, and to say “no” can feel selfish.
I’m still getting up an hour and a half before I need to leave for work, and this new timetable has me feeling so much better. I actually cooked breakfast this morning at home before I left! Astounding. Or maybe I’m just getting old