For the Love of Pole
Hey guys! Before we get to the entry today– a couple things:
#1- I’ll be in Maryland at Xpose Annapolis November 3rd and 4th, and in Seattle and Portland November 16th and 17th! Check out this page for information on what workshops will be hosted and when!
#2- The 3rd Flight Club Pole Showcase will be in January in NYC, and registration is closing soon (November 1st). If you have been thinking about making a trip to NY… if you want to perform in a super supportive, fun, and light hearted setting…. if you have a side of your movement you’d like to explore in front of others… if you just want to get on stage and have all your friends come… sign up! What have you got to lose? 
Check out this link for more info and please share it with your pole friends that might be interested!
I’ve been thinking about writing this entry for a while now. I have a Facebook page that is just for pole networking and friends, and so in my feed, lately, I’ve been seeing pole dancer after pole dancer posting about their lives, frustrations, and issues. And I’ve been thinking a lot about something that I think is a trend… Something that I perceive to be a shift in the pole community. And I’m going to maybe be off base here, or maybe I’ll strike a chord in you. I’m not sure yet. But here goes.
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts about:
…people saying that they don’t have the time or energy to compete or be as good at pole as they wish they were.
…people feeling like they need to take dance classes, gymnastics, silks, flexibility classes, multiple pole classes a day, just to keep up
…people feeling like they are not good enough to keep taking classes. (this one KILLS ME)
(read this entry if these things resonate with you, and you haven’t already: Status Quo… trust me, it’s a good one!)
When I started pole dancing, I was doing it to fill a need within myself. I wasn’t entirely happy with who I was, and I was looking for something that was a little bad, a little sexy, a little in-your-face, to maybe teach me how to be hot and how to have the confidence I wished that I truly had. I was looking for something to make me unique and interesting and different.
When I started learning– I’ve mentioned this before– there was no internet. There was no Youtube. There were no comparisons to make with women halfway across the world that I didn’t know. I only had people in my class as a ruler to measure myself against, and I could see we all had different strengths and weaknesses. One girl maybe was a ridiculously naturally sexy dancer who oozed sensuality from every pore. Another was bendy. Another was a trickster. And because our classes worked on all the facets, if you were developing slower in one respect, you could still look at the brighter side, and see where you were strong.
So in some ways, it was a real blessing because I focused on myself. I saw where I compared but ultimately realized that my growth was unique to me. I did it for me, because back then, there was no such thing as touring polefessionals. There were no competitions. There was no life beyond recreational pole. It was just a hobby. It was just for fun. It was just something to make me happy and see progress and a place to go where I was safe. That’s all it was. I put no pressure on it, or myself, to hurry up and get better. I was just enjoying this whole process.
As I grew as a pole dancer, and found my strength, and found my stride within my long journey, I realized that pole was helping me to fill in pieces that I was missing. I started to walk differently. I started to feel stronger, physically. I started speaking my mind more often. I started being more honest about my feelings. I started bringing my inner me and my outer me into alignment. And more then anything, I realized that while pole was (and continues to be) rewarding and exciting and amazing, it doesn’t determine my self worth–it helps me to realize it. If I am good at pole, or bad at pole, it doesn’t make me less important or less of a person. My perception of myself is not tied to how well my body works in the studio.
Today, the pole climate is very different. There are competitions everywhere, for any kind of pole dancer. What other sport is growing this quickly, and what other sport enables 25 year old non-athletes to actually be “contenders”? But there seems to be a rush, nowadays, to “get good”… To be “good enough” to compete or perform or teach. Why can’t you enjoy it for what it is, and what it brings to you, without competitions and being on stage? When you compete over and over again, you are putting yourself in the judges’ hands… And no matter how capable those judges are, the bottom line is that you start to dance and train not for yourself, but for what those judges will say about you. So no wonder there is so much more self-criticism. Nothing is ever good enough. When I used to see pole videos posted on YouTube, the captions always read, “LOOK AT THIS BADASS NEW TRICK I CAN DO!!! LOOOOOK!” and now it’s always “this isn’t my best work, I was tired but here it is anyway” or “I made a lot of mistakes in this performance but at least I tried!” Even when we are not being judged, we continue to judge ourselves.
What happened to being unabashedly PROUD of what you can do? Why is it always about what you can’t do, or what you suck at, or what you need to improve? Yes, it is healthy to set goals. But not at the cost of your own self-confidence. Not at the cost of taking some time to be excited about your growth. Yes, it’s healthy to have role models. A role model is meant to inspire you and make you want to be a better person. But if you are constantly comparing yourself to them, how is that healthy? That is focusing on the negative, on the things you are lacking, rather than the positive. You should’t want to dance just like someone else– you can admire them, but you should realize that YOU have your own style that can be just as beautiful, in it’s own way. YOU are a person of worth, of potential. You don’t have to be a cookie cutter of ANYONE else to be a wonderful dancer. You can be YOU.
I recently posted on Facebook about leaving my job. I had been there for 6 years and it was time for a change, and I knew that to open a space in my life for something better to come along, the old needed to get swept away. I didn’t know what I was going to do next, but I was excited to take that time for myself to figure it out. And I am grateful for the amount of support I received. But I also saw something very interesting. So many people commented about wanting to have the guts to leave their own jobs, that they were also unhappy in. So many people said, “I really needed to hear this.” And a lot of people assumed I would be moving towards teaching pole full time and touring full time.
I found it incredibly interesting–and kind of illuminating. To some people, leaving their jobs and whisking themselves into a fantasy land of poling all the time– now THAT is the dream! To some people, the pole studio is where they want to be, all the time. And a lot of those people, judging from the comments and feedback I received on my post, are not fulfilled in their lives, they don’t like their work, they don’t feel appreciated. To many, pole is an escape from real life.
But I had the strength to step into the vast unknown because of what I’ve learned about myself through pole dancing. And I have the confidence to know that I will find a better job (and I did!! Just got an amazing offer today!!!) elsewhere, and that I have skills that are of value and that someone else will see that I can be an amazing contribution to their company. Pole dance is something that I do to satisfy a part of me, but it is because of pole that I am a better person and more prepared to take on the challenges life has to offer. Pole has helped me to grow into the kind of person that I want to be. It has added a new dimension to who I am and enriched my life. It’s an outlet, it’s stress relief, but not an escape–it helps me to face the challenges of life head on and shake my fist and say, “life, I will kick your ass.” The lessons I learn in the pole studio, about myself, are lessons that I apply to my life outside the studio.
It made me a little sad because I have always thought of a pole dancer as stronger than the average person. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I had assumed most pole dancers were using pole dance to learn about themselves as people, become genuinely more fulfilled, happier, more whole. But instead I feel like I am seeing an emphasis on the negative, on what is missing, on what skills are lacking. Instead of pole creating self confidence, I feel like I am seeing–more and more– that it develops insecurity. That there are people who need the validation of competitions, or comments on a video, or acknowledgement from the community or classmates in order to feel like they are putting their energy into something worthwhile. I feel like because so many options exist and there are so many studios and classes, people are pouring themselves into class, hours and hours worth, without making sure that they are doing it because it is making them happy. Notice I say happy. If the studio is where you go to run away from your problems, then it’s not healthy. It’s putting a lot more pressure on yourself to find fulfillment and achievement in that studio, and be REALLY GOOD… and then you’re also not dealing with the crap that is real life, and making your real life a place you want to spend more time. If you are unhappy at home, if you hate school, work, or are stuck in a not-so-happy relationship, use pole and the support networks you have built, to give you the strength to know that you are better then that. That you don’t need to settle. That you can deal with the change. That you can make some space in your life to step into the unknown and make your life better, instead of filling it with pole and hoping that it will make it all okay.
Pole for the love of pole. For the joy of it. Do it because it helps you to grow. Do it because it makes you happy.
What an inspiring post! And I agree with you on the self critism. It is saddening and discouraging to hear someone say “I can’t do it!”, or ‘I’ll never be able to do it!” Things like that were NOT allowed to be said with my first dance teacher (who later became my God Mother) and i’m thankful that she taught me with that mentality. Pole is HARD! But not impossible!
Thanks for posting this today! I’m trying to plan a routine for a show at the studio I go to. It’s just a fun night for friends and family to see what we’ve learned. But I’m being so hard on myself for not being “good enough”, I’m not enjoying the process of planning a dance, I hate hearing the song I used to love as I just associate it with stress and my feelings of inadequacy. I’m now really dreading the show. If I can just get my head out of this negative place and be proud of what I can do, I’ll hopefully put something decent together and enjoy my first performance.
Thank you for the reality check Amy!
i agree Amy!!
i ONLY do pole for recreation/stress-relieving…all on top of a medical career. started from NOTHING and a year in i can hang by my feet and climb like a monkey
if anyone tells me i’m not working hard enough or putting in enough effort (which isn’t true!!), i tell them just what a LONG way i’ve come! not looking for perfection or the technical skills for competition..just pole-ing for FUN and FITNESS xx
Fantastic post once again Amy. This one really nailed it – thank you!
I love this post. And because I’ve been having a rough time at work for a while, I think I have been putting a lot of stock in my pole classes to keep me sane.I haven’t looked at it as needing to be perfect in class for that reason though, but I do think I’ve been leaning on my feeling of community in class and I feel good about that. It’s nice to have that safe space and be somebody else for a bit. I think your comments about competition are spot on. I enjoyed my many things about my experience of competing, even if I was a little disappointed with my (non)placement in the last one and I think I will compete again. But I don’t want something that makes me feel cool and badass to drag me down instead and I thank you for writing a post that reminds me to keep it all in perspective. xo.
DUDE! I love this! Anything you do – DO it for you! It took my 5 years and 7 months to learn that no matter what awards or recognition can be gained – there is nothing more powerful then wearing your story on your sleeve, being strong enough to own it, and more importantly CHANGE it!
With competitions – I’ll probably do it again – everytime I say I’m done, I’m not but to be honest there is nothing like making pole celebrities WATCH my fodder – whether they like it or not they have to see it, lol! It’s a captive audience with 5 minutes for you to send a message, be silly, whatever you want. I love the captive audience part of it. I’m already planning my next routine which will be 100% ridiculous – I don’t care if I’m good enough – I just care about being able share something knowing people are being super serious and captive.
As a member of TP Squad – we’ve made the commitment to be easy on ourselves and eat cookies if we aren’t feeling it. I mean at the end of the day we’re pole dancers not surgeons – when it stopped being fun I stopped doing it.
What a great post! AMEN to that! Thank you for always being such a great advocate for this community!
Thank you for bringing this topic up. It definitely hit home. I felt alone feeling this way and now I don’t.
I have been poling for two years and when I got to the advance levels I felt less and less confident about myself versus when I was a beginner I felt more confident. There were always things I would criticize about myself. I need to be a better dancer, I need to more creative in my choreography, my routine was boring, I’m not fluid and transitioning well enough, I need to be more flexible and stronger to do more tricks. I was focusing more on the negative things about myself and what other people are doing like competitions and how well they master tricks. I found myself getting more frustrated. Pole started feeling like work.
I lost track of what pole dancing is to me. I got caught up in everyone else’s goals like competition or mastering super hard tricks. Your post made me reflect on the feeling I got when I first started pole dancing and I miss that feeling. It was my recess, my playground to be super carefree and just have FUN.
I feel so much lighter after reading your post. I dropped that negative load of criticism and picked up what is really important to me and what I want to get out of pole dancing. It’s my recess and I will not ruin my own recess.
I feel exactly the same way! I’ve had some down moments since there are times when I feel pressured to do harder stuff or be a very sensual dancer. I had to step away at times to remind myself that pole for me is to have fun and feel good about myself and that I have my own way of dancing. Thank you very much for validating my inner thoughts and feelings! Thank you for reminding me to focus on the positive things that I’ve conquered rather than my weaknesses!
Great blog! I think many dancers do this too often. I think back to when I first started poling and all I could think about was how excited I was to be able to do a simple climb or front hook. Now when I struggle to learn new moves or have trouble with existing move is can be very hard on myself. I think too many of us get caught up in that feeling of a new move high. so when we are not constantly getting new moves we get really hard on ourselves. Sometimes we just need to stop and marvel at what are bodies can do, whether it is cool moves that we have done a zillion times, sexy hair flips, fun dance moves or small steps toward being stronger or more flexible.
this is a great reminder to love yourself and your poling skills.
[...] I did not write this and I take no credit whatsoever for this. Aerial Amy is the author and you can check out the original post here. [...]
Thank you for this inspiring and insightful post. I loved it!
Personally, I’ve left two local studios in the last 12 months because their students and instructors were so focused on competitions and so judgmental of themselves – and others! – that I was starting to feel bad about myself and not have fun and found myself focusing on all the wrong aspects of pole.
I’ve taken some time to recenter and I’ve found a studio that focuses on self-expression, strength, confidence, and beauty. I remember now why I fell in love with pole to begin with and I try to take the time to always reflect on how far I’ve come and to be proud of what I *can* do, instead of feeling inferior because of what I can’t (Yet).
So personally, your post really spoke to me and I’m glad that someone is taking a stand and reminding all of us about why we are (or should) be poling at all. For ourselves. <3
Thanks again, Amy. This post made my day.
Hi Amy thanks for this, I recently had a woman in my pole class make a judgement on my progress telling me “you can’t do that move, it’s too difficult for you” I got so annoyed and upset, this made me feel like I was not good enough to be there. But after reading your post I have to remember that I will be able to do things in time it does not have to be now and to remember why I started pole in the first place so I will just enjoy it and not worry about what’s ahead of me, or what anyone else says. For I want my experience of pole to be a good one not a stressful one.
oh Amy, you don’t know how much I was missing your inspirational posts!
3 months ago, my whole class was doing handsprings and I suck on them.
I got home and I was in tears, I kept saying to myself- who am I kidding? I am not a dancer. I’m just wasting time & money.
A couple of hours later I put music on and I was imagining myself dancing that song on the pole. I’m not a professional dancer but I like to dance and I cannot just simply stop pole dancing because I love it.
Handsprings will come with practice…
Once again, Amy, wise and eloquent.
I can relate to this post, not as a poler but as a martial artist (sport in general) it is sad that this has taken this direction of the negative. I remember when I used to train in martial art and the number 1 thing is being positive and just keep going no matter how you get knock down, no matter who wins the fight being happy even if you loose and have fun. Martial art gave me a lot of what pole dancing is giving you and at one point I had stop because of life – no time to do it anymore. Well I have gotten to a point where I feel unhappy, no motivation, stuck in a rut and I started thinking and giving memory to “what happened to me? where did I loose all this confidence that I had that Martial arts gave me? and how can I get back to where I used to be? Well I started a week ago Martial arts again and not a week has past when I fell down and twisted my uncle
but when it heals I will continue and I will also go to some pole classes as well as learning to dance some salsa classes. Being active is part of getting away from all of everyday distractions and stress. I too plan on leaving my job to get something better because I know I can do better. I just know I need to prepare myself and find that what I’ve lost in me before I leave and find myself unhappy in that other Job and then it becomes a cycle I know deep down I am not just happy with myself and I am changing that. That is the worse feeling of all and you start blaming things and others like your job but yet not doing anything about it. Finding a balance its hard but not impossible!! Like Amy says “you don’t need to settle.” Great Post Amy in general Not just for POLE!!
I enjoyed the post, I however don’t agree with the statements about going to pole to get away from the stresses in your life, Exercise if you love what you do is the number one cure for stress and depression. If that happens to be pole than better yet. Other than that people also have to recognize their personal goals and limitations. I’m 41 years old with 5 children that always come first. I love my studio, my instructors and our students. I know I will never be in Cirque or compete. That doesn’t hold me back from loving what I do.. as an owner I have to make the hard decisions, but they usually lead to less drama and less stress. If you go to class to get away from the stress in your life that is ok, just try not to make you lessons stressful on you. Work toward your goal not the communities goal within your limitations.
Jessica– I think there may be a miscommunication here. What I wrote about pole was “It’s an outlet, it’s stress relief, but not an escape”– so I think we agree
My studio gave me the experience you talked about. But when I started to look at videos online I definitely see what you saw. I never felt like a good dancer even though I was a cheerleader in high school and took dance in college as well. I thought improvised dancing was something I just couldn’t ever achieve. When one of my instructor told me I had a natural dance sense I was genuinely surprised. But I’ve always had a deep connection to music and wished I could move to it, pole finally let me find that outlet and start on a path to accepting my body as it is instead of comparing it to all the dancers I was next to growing up. Some studios out there are still old school like you’re talking about and really help you grow as a person! Mine did and continues to every week.
I am so glad you wrote this. I have been noticing that trend, too, and it kind of puzzles me. Not that I haven’t been overly critical of myself in the past, but too much of it is just plain unhealthy. I hope that, given your large subscriber base, we all start to notice a trend in the opposite direction.
OMG YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!! That is all.
For the love of pole I could not have said this better myself!!! I share every aspect of every sentiment you express here… Can’t thank you enough for saying eloquently what I’ve been thinking, feeling, but couldn’t quite put my words together well enough to express… Smh *round of applause* *tear*
Thanks Amy!
I have been battling with not being able to spend as much time as I would like on pole because I’ve been more focused on my career as a chef. The sacrifice has been difficult, especially when you see your own students surpass you and go on to winning competitions. But I love pole and it makes me really happy. You’re absolutely right in your article, I’m going to stop worrying about everybody else and enjoy pole for me !
This was an awesome read. I just posted on FB the other day about having a “dark pole day.” I have always wanted to perform to one particular song ever since I started poling. Excuse after excuse has fallen out of my mouth about why I can’t or won’t. I had become frustrated with myself for depriving myself if that makes sense at all. The day you posted this, I was having a talk with myself…I don’t HAVE to do a huge show or a competition. And yeah sure some folks have said I should perform and just because I idolize those folks, I’m not them and they are already looking forward to ME. So I decided to start super small and I’m gonna ask my Pole Fairy Godmother if I can just do a quick something for my family just an extra 5 minutes after a class
Anyhoo, thank you for posting that. Thank you to everybody who re-posted in hopes that I would see it, and/or sent me a message specifically telling me to read it. <3 M
Here’s something similar I’ve noticed lately that I’m not sure is unique to my studio or not, but it’s been bothering me, and it’s somewhat connected to this post. When I first started poling, I absolutely loved taking workshops with visiting instructors. The fact that the pole world was still so small that I could meet and take class from someone like Alethea Austin was absolutely amazing to me. I was still a very new, baby poler, but I felt like I got so much out of every workshop I took. I’ve been poling over a year now, and I’m definitely what Michelle Shimmy describes as a “Battler.” Pole doesn’t come easy to me, but I work hard to get every new move down. I’d consider myself an intermediate level poler at this point, and when I register for workshops, I do my best to ensure they are pitched to someone on my level. When I get into the workshop though, I often find that the current trend is to try to learn the instructor’s most challenging tricks and combos. While I’m proud of my pole sisters who can keep up with this format and bust out the pro tricks with ease, I’m not at that level yet, and I end up feeling left behind and like I’ve wasted my time and money on something that’s not appropriate for me. While any visiting instructor worth her salt will have alternate moves available for different ability levels, it can be hard to speak up in a room full of fantastic dancers and ask for a modification (yes, this part is my issue, and I need to be better at it and not be ashamed that I am an intermediate student). But like you’re saying in the post, Amy, it seems like workshops have also become less of a time for having fun and learning technique from a touring professional and more about proving something about your own ability. I miss the old days and old ways. Thanks for letting me vent!
I feel like i am this person. thank you for writing about this issue because even though i always knew it within myself, i’ve never acknowledged it about myself either!
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This post really resonates with me. On one hand I am very thankful for the competitions out there, and I am very thankful for awesome pole dancers like you, Amy. Whenever I feel like I am in a rut I turn to these places for inspiration. On the other hand it is really easy to get pulled into that world where it feels like you have to be a professional or super committed to pole and nothing else. At that point, it is easy for me lose touch with why I started pole in the first place- as a fun and healthy hobby. I love how my pole friends motivate me and push me to be better, but I also have to remind myself to focus on my goals which aren’t always the same as the cool new trick my pole friends might be working on. If we aren’t having fun we are doing it wrong!